We met on an 11th, we ended on an 11th.
"I left home by 3 pm, my heart fluttering with the question I was to ask her, I even though of getting a single flower at the mall for a more touching scenario..."
It was always hard, but we had our good times, great times, but they could not be that spectacular no matter how hard I tried. I used almost half of the tricks I had, and made new ones on the way, dismally it seemed to only prolong moment by moment happiness.
"As I waited in traffic along EDSA I pondered on how I would ask her to come to subic with me before fathers day. As I reached Cubao I texted her, asking where she was. I recived a heart stopping message that we meet at her place. A series of calls here and there. She was with her, they were together, and she was to talk to me to end it in a good way, I obliged..."
I loved her true and unconditionally, constantly in danger of losing her with no means of fighting back but patience. I defied everyone, and I mean everyone, friends, family, authorities... I loved her through all the pain and weekly heartbreaks I suffered.
I arrived there after 3 hours in traffic and my heart already aching, my mind racing, my hands shaking. She would not get in the car, no matter how much I pleaded, they talked with me in the car till I got down. I made a scene which I regret for even if I did not touch the other girl, I shouted and made a threat. We started to talk, she kept texting her, calling her for she went away, ignoring me. Finally she came back, our talk was going no where for she would give nothing to me but the same old generic excuse that it was her fault. She made me look stupid, she embarassed and hurt me in front of everyone around the trikes and fxes. I finally got in the car when they walked away. I tried to cry, I called Ange, I called Marga, I called Tin, I called Pong, I called Ylla. Just to share the immense pain I was feeling then. It was one of the worst nights of my life, one that I would want to forget in this entry forever...
Our relationship was full of lies, full of deciet, full of pain on my part. She cared for her more than she did for me, keeping me beside her for I made her safe, sane. I though I could be the martyr forever. I was wrong. I knew the lies, I knew the betrayals but still I kept on, because I love her and could not stand to see her get hurt.
She changed me, I no longer want to be the same old me who stood by wishing she would change. I though I would not succumb into rage as I used to before, she proved me wrong. I embrace anger, rage, wrath once again. I find the feeling a thin thread better than sadness.
In a short time I would learn to forgive her ex, I would also ask her forgiveness for my outburst.
As for her, I waited... the whole day... I don't think I will ever forgive you. I gave you one chance to prove your love. You squandered it maybe hoping I would go after you. You are so inconsistent, only coming to me when your in trouble and down never when I needed you. When I was sick, When I was having family problems, school worries and self-torments. One of the things that hurt most, you were rarely there for me, never when I needed you the most.
I will now begin to let you go. I have a lot of regrets, I will do my best for you not to find me, and hope that someday I will find the right one. You say your sorry, thats all you do, you don't do anything else. You hope that I would forgive you with just a sorry. If thats all, then you will never be forgiven...
To those who were there on that fateful day thanks. To those who listened and sympathized thanks.
Ange, Psalm, Mitz, Pong, Borro and Harvey, you guys came and kept me company and in check. Pong and Borro who stayed till the day after. Ange and Psalm for being there and bringing me to airsoft. Mitz who came with just one phone call. Harvey, you dick, but you still came anyway and bought me a beer.
Marga, Fatz, Gerald, Kim, Eric, Ylla, Tin, Mark. Thanks, you know why.
There are two people I so want to be here with me right now. Why aren't you here, this is the first time you are not here, your far away in the US. I need you so much right now...
As for the second person, you will never guess that I so want you to be by my side. I never thought that I would miss you so bad, and that I would need you so bad. I never thought we would be this close. I have to see you soon...
Three roads, which one to take...
One of cynical anger and fake smiles...
One of sadness and hiding...
One of chance, salvation or chance and ruin...
Or will someone just lead me to another road...
Currently listening to: Alesana - This conversations over
Currently feeling: hurt to rage
