Written by lainie at 10:22 PM on June 9, 2006 in work?, Arty stuff.

Ah. "The Fastest Clock in The Universe". I'm sure you've read quite a fair bit of rave-drool-it-was-ballsomely-awesome reviews on blogs by now. Wellllllllllllllllllllllll.

My Ten Word Review:

First half: Hideously Boring.
Second half: Joanna Bassey, thank goodness.

My Much Longer Whine:

Let's see now. What was I told about this play? "Agonisingly funny". That sounds good. "Mature audiences only" Oooooh. "Frighteningly horrific". Aaahhhhhh. "MUST SEE theatre production of the year" (please note this is self-touted claim).

Hmm. Wonderful claims, all.



I sat through the first half, bored as eggs, fingers laced, toe tapping occasionally, waiting for something interesting to happen. No uproarious laughter from me. So I thought, right then, maybe a genuine giggle at least? Or a lil, itty bitty bit of an uncontrollable snigger? A slight gasp as my sensibilities are challenged? Cmon, you can do it! I'm waiting!

And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And....yknow. Waiting. Still. Why am I here?

After a while I was thinking, "Even a raised eyebrow, for fuck's sake........". To be childish: I was reaching the point where I was under the impression the only way this play was even going to get a reaction from me would be if one of the actors farted loudly AND split his pants, while simultaneously two hundred green tortoises race across the stage(!), and they're all running sideways(!), and three midget mimes dance on the table(!). Something worthy of an exclamation mark(!).
Luckily, I was just being pessimistic because really, all it took was Joanna Bassey's entrance to make the.....last minute....right before intermission.....much better.

Actually, that's what the first half was rather like, watching tortoises race. One Big Wait, Mostly Pointless. .At best, I was bored. Worst: Bored, AND irritated.

It was not "agonisingly funny" (a few laughs here and there, granted), nor was it "frighteningly horrific" (a term which I will now refer to as Marketing Strategies, also known as Total Bollocks, oh great sifus I will remember thy Shameless Lies when I enter the Advertising World).

What was so horrific about it? I have more horror attacks trying to give my frightful little dog a bath. The part that was supposed to shock me must have completely flown over my head and hit one guy behind me who laughed really loudly. Maybe I should have sat further back.

Honestly, I can take it if anyone says they were entertained by the play. Passive entertainment has its merits. BUT. if anyone was *shocked* by the play, you guys need to get out more. What's the most exciting thing in your life? Your fish learned a new way to swim? And you actually noticed?

Joanna Bassey is about the only reason that kept me from convincing my companions that our wasted time should not be further squandered in KLPac, but better spent over some nice hot food and cold drinks in a nearby mamak.

Might as well, Kins thought the play was going well so far. I was largely unimpressed, and wasn't looking forward to more torture.

Honestly, I didn't go in expecting much. But jesus? I wasn't expecting this lil either.

[ And no, a migraine-y rude brat who won't grow up isn't "frighteningly horrific", I will personally slap you if you suggest gay is "frighteningly horrific", smoking and drinking alcohol are unhealthy but not "frighteningly horrific", and paedophilia is.....Well, hell, the "kid" he's trying to seduce is about to get married. What the fuck is horrific beyond how much the first half bored me?

Incidentally, I think the whole "omg, he's gay" part was overrated. It wouldn't change a damn essential thing (whatever it was) in the story if Cougar was straight or gay - though perhaps some people would whine less about negative portrayal of gay people in media. Except for the part where he needs to screw a younger version of himself. But still. Okay, gayness was not exploited, I shall not complain. ]

As for Ari Ratos.........All I got from his character was a dose of annoyance. Sad, because I was hoping for more from him. Fortunately by the second half his "multiple lobotomy sessions" portrayal of Captain had been toned down a lil, and everything seemed less forced. Better after intermission.............



The fastest universe in the clock is "Love". The slowest is the one I stared at as I waited for this play to end (look, your pain from my puns is much less than what I was subjected to last night, okay?). Joanna Bassey is about the only saving grace I found in the play, wonderful comedic timing and played her character well. I enjoyed the second half much more than the first (which I didn't, at all), thanks to her performance.

That being said, I did like the set design - though Kat pointed out some of the props were a bit out of place. Ikea diningware- which I noticed as well and thought was a bit "Hmmmmm". Ah well.

"Must see theatre production of the year?". Hah.

No offense (though I've probably offended very much by now), but I think I'm better off waiting for Instant Cafe Theatre's upcoming performance of Samuel Beckett's Happy Days (Jo Kukathas!).

====

Zedeck Siew was much kinder in his review on Kakiseni. I think. I almost guilt-tripped his girlfriend into going for the play with me earlier on:

Iszie: Do you have someone to go with you?
Lainie: Yeee.....Nooooooo. No. No I don't.
Iszie: You just told me you were going with your friends.
Lainie: I don't have friends. No one is going with me. Really.
Iszie: Because, yknow, if I log onto tabulas, and you say you do...
Lainie: Damn that blog. Fine, I do, but wanna come for the play anyway?
Iszie: Uhmmmmm. Well, not really. Only if you don't have anyone to go with you.
Lainie: Sigh. I suppose I'd better wait for something less chancy than Actor's Studio to guilt trip you into coming with me.

Whew. I'd have felt terrible if she did accompany me.

Speaking of Kakiseni, I got a call from Pang:

Pang: Want to write a review?
Lainie: Sure. On what?
Pang: Dance.
Lainie: Uh. Pang. I know nothing about dance.
Pang: Great, this is a dance workshop FOR people who know NOTHING about dance!
Lainie: (Dammit). Well, that would be me.

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to call him back. Note to self: Call Pang.

Why would I write a review about dance if I know nothing about it? Unless they don't want someone who knows anything about dance reviewing it .

=====

I was more entertained after the play when I met some people and we talked. Camwhored a bit with Fireangel and Petrina - finally met Smashpop.net (I keep seeing Smash Pot when I go to his site). TV Smith was there.


Petrina. Maybe this is why I was more entertained. Certainly no one in the play tried to grab my boobs.


My hair is growing out. Also, I ruin pics by never looking at the camera. Who else but Fireangel.

I said bye to them, and went outside to talk with some people who were there (well, obviously, as opposed to people in Alaska *facepalm god I make no sense sometimes*). Fang and I were comparing computer problems. My problems are just annoying, hers is way worse - won't even boot up.

We were talking when one invasive small hand grabbed my ass. As I whirled round to see whether this was someone I wanted to be grabbing my arse, another hand grabbed my arse.

Fireangel and Petrina run off, gleeful and waving their hands in goodbye, offending weapons. I'm insulted, what about the other side of my arse dammit? COME BACK! ....I'm not cheap. I'm free.

Fang: O_o.....You have weird friends........
Lainie: Well...Not complaining if they keep grabbing my arse that way.
Fang: *shrug* Okay.

Good thing I didn't say I met them through my blog. *Facepalm* that would have been so triply lame.

I met Wei San, whom I met at the Katagender protest thing as well. She was a bit thrown off when I said I wasn't expecting to see her there, but I really meant that innocently. I forget the world is so small. I keep bumping into people from the protest for every event I go for. How strange.

=====

Kins, Kat and I went off to pick Tei up. Turns out Kins watched "Rojak" too, the play I reviewed. He remembered my review, and said I let them off really, really easy, and that the review could have hit them much worse . I'm just surprised he remembered the review at all.

So that was interesting for me, cause I'd never met anyone else who'd watched it, asides from Fireangel, Pang and Iszie.

Then we picked Tei up, and as we drove, the traffic lights were such that we came to a halt outside a bridal shop.Nothing screams irrelevant like four single gay people in a car outside a bridal shop in Malaysia, looking at wedding dresses on display. Tei did not get our humour, but Kins and I giggled gaily.

Rach is waiting for my "life partner ceremony", I suppose as an opportunity to act very gay and get away with it, under the excuse of "getting into the spirit". Darling, what's the foam party in Liquid for? What is the Mardi Gras for, but to allow straight people to go, wave big feathers about and get their gay on *coughLolacough*.

Kins has this super power. At the mamak we go to, everytime we need to order drinks and the stall owner is nowhere in sight, he just turns around and yells "Misai", and for some reason Misai will always be standing behind him. Hmm. Oh and Misai = Moustache.

Tei had a good long whine about the hailat / highlight of her work (which, unfortunately for Tei, in her line has absolutely no difference). Tei can't use Nessa for her work, Nessa's too young.

Lainie: Too young? She's 17, what the heck do they want the talent to do?

=====

I stayed over with Kat, and at 5am, after watching tv together we decided to go to sleep. I told her about the awful vector I put up yesterday, with the hand, the bars, the awful typo, bla bla bla bla bla, then I started whining about the typefaces blablablablabla.

Lainie: Impact, WHY? Blalbalblabla typeface blabla ugly blablabla what was I thinking blabla blablabla (even I wasn't listening to myself).
Kat: Hmmm....I wonder what she's doing.
Lainie: You're not listening, are you?

Yes, at 5am, as we tried to sleep, she was thinking of someone special, and I was thinking of..........fonts. Somebody shoot me, please.

Fortunately she used to date a graphic designer, and apparently is quite used to traumatised girls not believing the crap they made and showed people.

Kat: It could be worse. It could be a poster. Printed already. Distributed everywhere. Then you see a mistake. And what to do? It's money. It has to go up.
Lainie: I will hide at home forever and die.

=====

Outside Curve's new cineplex, there's this fountain. All that shooting water just looks like a huge toilet reminder to me.

"Have you peed....yet?".
"Do you need to pee before going into the cinema?"
"Are you peeing...right now? Are you sure? Maybe you should look down".

But of course, my thoughts are completely irrelevant. I did grin an awful lot everytime I walked by it though.

Then we watched X-Men 3. And I will refrain from saying anything about that movie, as I have already whined plenty today.

====

By the way, I'm heading to Panic Buttons.

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