Funny how things can sometimes suck (like having really rainy outdoor weather all the freaking time, having most of your orders unavailable or the restos being just closed after you trekked and burned a gazillion calories, and having "ride from hell" when all you wanted was just a good night's sleep), but still become one of the best breaks ever.  I actually think I'm good now from the being in the funk sortof thing. 

It's strange how I'm comfy with the extended silences.  Seriously fine with it.  I used to think you know you're good with a person when you have so much things to talk about you couldn't shut up. But it actually feels just as good to just be sitting there, doing absolutely nothing.

I'm in this place again where I'm absolutely lost, and it may not be a bad place to be in.  Lost is good.  Lost with someone is even better.  Gah! I foresee myself talking mush for the next few days, weeks, I'm not really sure for how long.  Bear with me please.  Given my track record, there will prolly maybe be self-loathing and regrets near the end, but who knows?  There can also be good happy endings where you end up apart, but still be in a good place.  Ending is inevitable.  I get that; but there are plenty of things right in the middle of "once upon a time", and "the end" to make the experience worth having to go through.

I'm going with the flow: hoping for the good but expecting for the end to come just as quick.

For as long as I can remember, I have been writing papers left and right.  Usually for school.  No, wait, mostly for school.  There were the grade school book reports and research papers, high school book reports (again), more research papers, some analysis of whatnots, essays, and theme papers.  Then, came college, which was pretty much the same as high school for the first two years.  The last two years of college were devoted to a diferent kindof writing -evaluation papers, which unfortunately, is harder to bullshit through.  Graduate school led to more complicated and more extensive writing, and an amazingly high amount of reading material to boot (although not as much as what we had to read through back in college).

Did you know that you could've actually had it easier way back then?  I meant just with the writing stuff of course.  You could have actually had a research paper done by a pro.  For a fee of course.  I'm sure, the offer of custom writing would have been very, very tempting during those days of stress and toxicity.  If you have the cash, why not right?  On the downside however, writing for yourself is also a learning experience.  Most papers you had to write requires your personal opinion on the subject matter.  It's hard to submit a paper, created by a total stranger, full of ideas which was never mirrored your own.  Doing research also helps you to understand the topics better, than if you had it made by a professional.  Too bad it had to be too hard at times.

September-october has always been my lowest months.  Forget that october is my birthday. My birthday usually sucks anyway.

It's the time of the year when I get sick, and when I get bored with my life.  I need something new. 

I'm going through the motions (again). 

I feel detached.  I need to reconnect.

Thinking is hard.  It requires too much effort.  It's during these months that I understand why I don't work in an office.  Why I don't chain myself to a 4x4 cubicle with AC the whole day. 

The fact that the bestfriend is leaving, and I don't know when I'll see her next, is pretty much depressing me too.  She's the bestfriend who stuck around my psycho year-long episode of alienating everyone I knew, for fucked up reasons. I'm trying very hard not to go mental again, and raise those defense mechs that kept going up whenever someone leaves. 

I'm struggliing here.  I'm pretending to be normal, and it's taking it's toll. 

I want my reality break now.

It's so easy to hurt me. 

I never make a fuss, and I don't make people feel guilty.

I know what I am.  I am sunshine and moonbeams and rainbows, and possibly some acidic drizzle.  I like things shiny and sparkly and fun.  I may be twisted and strange on the inside, but i am never dark and angsy.  Yes I do have my occasional rant-a-thons, and some anger mangement issues; but it comes in short bursts, very much easily diffused and forgotten. 

I have no idea why I'm even ranting about all this here, except probably to say that I'm happy, and I shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.

fuck.